


The Ghost of Christmas Past

by filthybonnet



Category: Hannibal (2001), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, Hannibal Lecter Tetralogy - Thomas Harris, The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Genre: Angst, Ballet, Breathplay, Clannibal, Daydreaming, F/M, Female Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage, Morning Sex, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sad, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 17:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5300015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filthybonnet/pseuds/filthybonnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a combination birthday/Christmas present trip per her request, Hannibal takes Clarice back to Arlington, VA. As the trip progresses Hannibal questions Clarice's motivations and Clarice must come to terms with wounds of the recent past and concerns of the future.  Takes place ten years after the events at Muskrat Farm in the novel "Hannibal."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> While my fics happen after "Hannibal" novel canon I don't intend for them to happen in some sort of timeline. Though for this story I have borrowed things from a couple of my others fics since it is already established head canon for me. Those things are Hannibal and Clarice's alias: Emanuel and Charlotte and the big one: they are into breath play.

Clarice Starling had grown accustomed to "the look" as she dubbed it. Early in their relationship when they traveled it startled it her; she thought people recognized him. But now she knew it as a judgmental look people gave them when they learned they were lovers. Plastic surgery might have altered his appearance but it didn’t erase the fact that Dr. Hannibal Lecter was old enough to be her father. She once suggested they pose as father and daughter instead of husband and wife on a trip when checking into the hotel. Dr. Lecter vetoed it instantly citing their outings would look odd. Plus her perchance to be loud during sex would be even more suspicious from a room with a king sized bed shared by a supposed father and daughter. 

“And how are we this holiday season?” the desk lady smiled as she clacked away on the keyboard maintaining a friendly but professional air. A must for one working in the hospitality industry in the greater DC area. 

“Fine,” Clarice responded knowing that tone of voice didn’t hide "the look."

“Tired from the travel but what else is new?” Hannibal chimed in.

The desk lady handed Clarice two key cards, “Well, here are your keys, elevators are to your right and if you need anything don’t hesitate to call down. Happy holidays.”

“Thank you,” Dr. Lecter tipped his fedora before returning his hand to his luggage’s handle wheeling it behind him as he followed Clarice to the elevators. 

Once in their suite, Clarice went right to the window and threw the curtains open, taking in the view of her familiar Arlington. She smiled, _Yes this is a perfect homecoming for my birthday, Christmas and ten years since our fateful meeting at Muskrat Farm._

“Okay, Hannibal,” she turned around. “What are we going to do first? There are so many old things I want to see again and…”

Dr. Lecter sat down on the edge of the bed and removed his hat, “I apologize, Clarice, but first things first I need to take a nap. I barely got any sleep on the plane and I am exhausted.”

Clarice put a pout on her face, “Really? You knew I wanted to hit this vacation running. So much to see and do…”

“And we will. I cannot do those things tired. Don’t let me stop you. Why don’t you go out for a couple hours and when you come back I will be up from my nap, bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to go,” He smiled at her.

Clarice studied Dr. Lecter’s face; there were large bags under his eyes and his face looked worn in general. _When had he become an old man in need of a nap?_

She forced a smile at him, “Okay, give me the rental car keys.”


	2. What If

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea going out alone. Where Clarice Starling thought to go was better to tread without The Doctor in tow. The grey overcast had now turned misty but that wouldn’t deter her. She wandered through the gravestones, still knowing the route. Clarice paused in front of the stone, before kneeling down and running her fingers over the name John Brigham. 

“All that is here is remains,” she whispered to herself. 

She closed her eyes John appeared just as he always did when he’d walk her to her Mustang after practice on the outdoor shooting range.

_“So what does a guy have to do get a date with you, Starling?”_

_She rolled her eyes as she opened her passenger door, “Brigham, if you’re asking for any of those fucktards we just finished practicing with you can stop.” She tossed her gear onto the seat and slammed the door shut. “Do you know how many guys like them I encounter every day? It’s frustrating.”_

_Brigham took a step closer, “I wasn’t asking for them. Fuck them, I know they are assholes. I was asking for me. Clarice, what would I have to do for you to say yes to dinner with me? I know I haven’t been discreet with my feelings for you so let me just put it out there. I would like to take our friendship to the next level, to be able to call you my girlfriend. Are you interested? If not I will not bring it up again.”_

_Starling smiled as she removed her pony tail holder and put her hair back up. She cared for John but was scared to do anything with those feelings. But here he was willing to cross that gap. Now it was her turn. She took a step closer to him, their bodies almost touching._

_“I’m free for dinner tonight,” She took one of his hands into hers and looked coyly at him. “And would this mean I could finally properly see your tattoo?”_

_Brigham’s eyes widened, “My tattoo?”_

_“Yeah, your tattoo,” Starling felt her cheeks flush. “It’s been a subject of debate between Ardelia and I since our final days at the Academy.”_

_“Wait, she won’t be jealous of our dating will she?”_

_Starling laughed, “Oh God no! She’ll throw me a party and say it’s about damn time.” She then leaned and kissed him. His lips were chapped and his stubble tickled but it felt good. John was a good man, a kind man…_

Clarice opened her eyes and tears streamed down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, John,” she whispered as she stood. 

The next gravestone Clarice had to ask the caretaker to look up the location for her; it was Jack Crawford’s. Tears instantly streamed down her cheeks as she adjusted her purse strap across her chest. “I’m glad you’re dead,” she snapped looking at the stone. “I’m glad you died without ever seeing the true me. You would have hated yourself for introducing him to me. You would have been disappointed in me for letting him inside my head.”

She sank to her knees and buried her face in her hands and sobbed. 

_“Starling!”_

_Clarice turned the moment she heard his voice, “Yes Mr. Crawford?”_

_He looked like he’d actually gotten some sleep for once, his eyes actually bright behind his glasses. “You’re not attached to having all this natural light from the windows in your work space are you?”_

_She sat her pen down on her desk, “Why do you ask, sir?”_

_“I have an opening in the BAU with your name on it.”_

_Starling stood instantly smiling. This was all she had ever wanted; this was what she had joined the FBI for._

_Crawford returned her smile, “I knew you wouldn’t mind the basement office.”_

_“But how, sir? Mr. Krendler has noted in my file I’m not a team player and the BAU is a team and…”_

_Crawford wrapped his arm around Starling’s shoulder as he led her away from her desk towards the floor’s elevators. He spoke softly, “Don’t you worry about Krendler. The BAU is mine and I get to pick the agents. Did you really think I would never get you on my team, Starling? You who single-handedly caught Buffalo Bill and got Dr. Lecter to talk all as a trainee? Paul’s just still pissed about that and being petty. But speaking of that, I have some forms for you to sign in my office. You know how I feel about official paperwork, but I’m getting all this shit done as to get him off our backs. Once done you can join the rest of the team; we got a couple cases in the works.” Crawford removed his arm from Starling as he pushed the down button on the elevator._

_Starling gathered her hands in front of her chest, “I can’t believe it, Mr. Crawford! I can’t wait to tell John, he’s going to be so excited for me!”_

The mist fell heavier on her jacket. Clarice removed her face from hands and looked up. She knew she wasn’t visiting her Memory Palace rooms of John and Jack but she didn’t care.

*******

Clarice removed her keycard and pushed open the heavy open. It clicked closed behind her. Dr. Lecter sat in one of the plush chairs looking out the window into the cold, mist. 

He had the news on low but he was no longer paying attention to it. “I watched you walk up. You’re wet, and not just I ran from the car to the building wet,” He didn’t turn from the window.

“Yeah,” She unbuttoned her long jacket. “I went and visited John and Jack’s graves.” She unlocked the safe in the closet and tucked her purse inside before relocking it. 

“An interesting way to spend your afternoon, Clarice,” he turned half way from the window. “Contemplating what might have been?”

Starling hung her coat up in the closet and walked over to the table with the coffee maker and put a filter in. She lifted a bag of coffee and started shaking it. She carefully tore it open, and poured it into the filter. She took the pot into the bathroom and filled it with water before returning to the maker and pouring it into the reserve. Hannibal studied the tension in her movements and the heavy air of how she did not answer his question. Once the coffee was brewing Clarice grabbed the remote off of the night stand and flopped down on the bed. 

“I get to watch American TV again for a bit I sure as Hell ain’t wasting it on the news,” She flipped through the channels looking for something to catch her attention. Something finally did, “Are you serious? ‘Jerry Springer’ is still on?” Clarice turned and looked at Hannibal, “This show is absolute talk show trash but Ardelia and I used to watch it to de-stress when we…” 

Dr. Lecter saw her whole body tense, “Never mind it’s silly.”

“Why is it silly?" He asked. "Because it too reminds you of what might have been?”

Clarice got off the bed and walked over to the coffee pot, “I’m not having this conversation, Hannibal.”

He stood up and walked towards her, “Why not? Tell me, Clarice what was the purpose of this trip? You said you wanted to see winter in America for your birthday and Christmas yet you pick your old backyard where it doesn’t do picturesque.”

“I never said I wanted to do picturesque,” she pulled the plastic off one of the mugs. “I said I wanted to see winter in America and winter in Arlington and DC is what I missed. Was it so wrong of me to want to see something familiar? Something that just isn’t memory; sometimes I still want something tangible.” In a fit of anger she threw the mug onto the floor. The plush carpet kept it from breaking.

Hannibal put his hands on her shoulders, “If you would have aimed for the bathroom tile, broke it and then it recollected you might have got your wish.”

“You and that fucking tea cup,” she mumbled as she bent down and picked up the mug.

“Are you sure you want coffee, Clarice? Maybe you should take a nap. We did travel quite a ways it would be better for you instead of the caffeine.”

She pulled the pot out and pour the coffee into the mug, “In case you forgot, I’m still way younger than you. You’re the one who needed a nap to keep up.” 

Dr. Lecter’s maroon eyes widen at Clarice’s comment. Her tone told him it wasn’t an innocent quip. He tried not to think of the twenty plus years between them. He focused on how they always treated each other as equals and enjoyed every second they had together. He did have their bank accounts and investments situated for his inevitable death so she was taken care of but they never actually discussed his age.

Clarice saw the hurt in his eyes. Her checks flushed and she looked away to put the coffee pot back. She had never used his age against him. Yes, in their ten years together she had noticed small and gradual aging in him: his hair going salt and pepper colored, his movements not being as supple, lines and wrinkles on his face but she was just rude about it and he abhors rudeness. 

Hannibal took a deep breath, “Why don’t I take the rental car and find one of those awful chain bookstores that are open till 10pm and sit there and read for a while? We’ll make dreadful company in this room together. Order yourself some room service for dinner and just decompress.” 

Clarice pulled the keys from her jeans pocket and handed them to Hannibal. He took them from her before heading back over to the chair. He put on his shoes before grabbing his room keycard, wallet and cellphone from the nightstand. 

“Hannibal, I’m…” 

“It’s okay,” He cut her off and kissed her lightly on the lips before heading out of the room.


	3. Tonight on "Macabre Murders"

After a warm shower, Clarice settled onto the bed in her pajamas with her room service dinner of a cheeseburger and fries. She flipped through the TV channels and she froze upon hearing a program’s voice over: “He’s one of the most notorious serial killers in history. She was the promising FBI Agent who understood and fascinated him. Tonight on ‘Macabre Murders’ what happened to Special Agent Clarice Starling.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” She said aloud. “Of course they made a ‘Macabre Murders’ about me. Damn Tattler owns it.”

Clarice sat in awe of the program as she ate her dinner. She laughed at the bad reenactments. “That guy doesn’t even look like Hannibal,” she pointed at the TV with a French fry. “How dare they cast an actress prettier than me to play me!”

However as they got to the interviews with members the FBI CSI Team Clarice was silent. 

_“It took us a good day to process Lecter’s house on the Chesapeake,” One FBI CSI Agent said. “Starling’s DNA was dominantly in the master suite mostly in the form of hair and skin cells. We figured that was the room he kept her in. It was also found it on the fork along with Krendler’s meaning she participated in the cannibalism. We also found her vaginal fluid on the sheets in what was determined to be Lecter’s room. From the amount we could only conclude the sex was consensual.”_

_The program cut to a second FBI CSI Agent, “Yes her DNA was on the fork and you can say the sex was consensual but it’s a lie. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is a master manipulator. Anything Agent Starling did he convinced her to, it wasn’t of her own free will. She stood for justice. I helped process Krendler’s body. Yes, it was revealed he was involved in shady dealings, but she would want him to have his day in court, not take revenge, not like that.”_

“Oh dear, those poor guys,” she said softly to herself remembering the state of the house when they fled. “However Krendler was beyond a day in court.”

However the biggest emotional blow came after the commercial break when Ardelia Mapp sat across from the well-dressed hostess. Clarice gasped. 

_“So it’s no secret you were Clarice’s best friend. You two were roommates when you were at the FBI Academy and then you rented a duplex together after graduating. You’re one of the people who believes Clarice is still alive. Why is that?”_

_“I don’t believe Clarice is still alive, I know it,” Mapp twisted the emerald ring around her right ring finger. “When we were trainees and she was working the Buffalo Bill case and Lecter escaped she wasn’t worried about him coming after her because he would consider that rude. Then he sent her that first letter confirming it along with some cryptic poetry. And then years later when his second letter came; I never said anything to Clarice then but I could tell she found some comfort in his words. There was a mutual fascination and understanding between them. While she was working his case, I once tried to warn her that she getting in too deep. It’s a risk all of as law enforcement officers run. Clarice thought she was smarter than all of us and was hiding it. The only person she was fooling was herself.”_

_“When you say mutual fascination, what do you mean? Do you think there was some sort of torrid love affair beneath the surface like the tabloids latched onto?” The hostess asked._

Clarice watched as her best closed her eyes and sighed, still turning the ring. 

_Ardelia opened her eyes and they were glassy with tears, “Those tabloids were really painful, but maybe they were right. And maybe by the time she broke protocol and went to Muskrat Farm that night she finally recognized her feelings. It’s their mutual fascination and understanding for each other that keeps him from killing her because it keeps them engaged.”_

_“You were her best friend for years. Has she ever tried to contact you?” The hostess asked._

_“No she hasn’t,” Ardelia simply said._

“She’s lying for me,” Clarice whispered. “She’s wearing the ring I sent her. And she’s keeping my secret.” Tears built up in her eyes. “Oh, Ardelia I’m so sorry. I owe you a greater explanation.” 

She jumped off the bed and pulled out the laptop from her suit case before sitting down at the desk. It was time to charge some internet usage to their bill. 


	4. In The Morning

Clarice Starling woke in the morning to find Dr. Hannibal Lecter asleep on his side. She was sound asleep when he came back in last night. She looked around the room with the limited light; she’d put the laptop away and put all her notes into her purse. She stretched her arms over her head before getting out from under the warmth of the covers. She walked over the window and stepped behind the curtains to take in the view. The sun was rising but she could feel the cold December air through the windows.

_Am I doing the right thing? It feels right; this is my trip after all._

“Clarice?”

She stuck her head through the curtains to see The Doctor sitting up in bed turning on the lamp on his nightstand, “Good morning, Hannibal.”

“What are you doing?”

“Taking in the view, it’s nice to see something old and familiar.”

“Like me?” he laid back down.

“Oh come on, Hannibal,” Clarice walked back over to the bed. “You know I didn’t mean that. I am truly sorry for it.” She crawled on top of him and straddled him over the comforter, before kissing him passionately. 

He pulled away from her. “No, no I’m an old man, remember?” he mocked. “And you, you are now a perimenopausal woman. We clearly are not meant for this sex whenever we fancy anymore, especially in the morning. I just woke up; I need to shower and shave, read the newspaper while I eat my eggs and toast. Then do the crossword while I finish my coffee.”

Clarice giggled into his chest as his hands caressed her behind. She kissed him sweetly before moving to his side to throw the comforter and flat sheet to the bottom of the bed.

“Don’t worry, old man I’ll do all the work,” she undid the draw string of his satin pajama bottoms and pulled them and his underwear off. Clarice leaned over and gently licked the underside of his shaft and Hannibal shivered in response. She smiled as she did this a few more times before taking him into her mouth.

It wasn’t long till he was decently erect and slightly breathless because when it came to sex, Dr. Hannibal Lecter was still spry and had an almost insatiable appetite for it. The Doctor knew he was lucky with Clarice because once her Pandora’s Box was unlocked her sexual appetite matched his. They sometimes laughed at all the men who once thought her frigid. _“A locked box only opens with the correct key,” Dr. Lecter once said. “And more than one person might have the key but that doesn’t mean each person will know how to release what is in the box.”_

“Remove your top,” he said.

Clarice removed her mouth from his hard dick, swallowing the mixture of her spit and his precum, wiping her mouth and pushing her hair out of her face. “How about I remove it all?” She pulled her top, pajama pants and panties off. 

As she did that Hannibal sat up and removed his pajama top and arranged the pillows so he was comfortably propped up against the headboard.

Clarice crawled onto his lap, straddling him, smiling, “Are you sure you want to sit old man?”

“You might be doing all the work, but you know how I like the intimacy of being able to hold you,” he ran his fingers through her hair and then down her face. He leaned into her and kissed her passionately. He worked his tongue into her mouth and gently caressed her peaked nipples with his fingers. 

Clarice ran her hands down his sides and when she reached his groin she pulled away and sat up. She grabbed his hard cock ready to guide it inside of her.

“Wait!” He exclaimed his breathing labored. “I’ve barely touched you. Foreplay is quid pro quo, Clarice, you know that.”

She ignored him gently coming down on top of him, gasping as she did. Hannibal sighed as he tilted his head back; she was warm, wet and welcoming. Clarice placed her hands on his shoulders, bracing herself. Hannibal held her tight, panting in each others faces as she kept her promise of doing all the work; bringing them both to orgasm within seconds of one another. When done she sat still straddled across him, leaning her upper body against his, her head on his shoulder. He ran one of his hands up and down her back.

“How long has it been since we’ve had make up sex, Clarice?” 

She chuckled lightly, “I don’t know, but I am thankful for your giving me some space last night. I was out of line taking my emotions out on you.”

“It’s okay,” he kissed the top of her head. “But you never did answer my question, were you thinking about might have beens?”

“In a way,” she sighed. 

Hannibal wrapped his arms around Clarice's waist and sat up taking her with him, “What ifs are no good, Clarice. Do not start them now. How long have we constructed your Memory Palace as a sanctuary to visit the good? How long have you help me let go of Mischa and what I could have done differently or done to bring her back? If this is what you came to do on this trip, I will pack up our bags and we’ll return home on the first flight I can find to Buenos Aires. Do you understand?”

His voice was stern and she knew it was a threat he would carry out. And he had every right to do, especially if he knew what she had planned today. She lifted her hand and ran it through his hair and down his face, “I understand, you only want what’s best for me. Now I have museum trips planned for us this morning and early afternoon. However I have something this evening I must do alone.”

“Clarice.”

“It’s not what you think. I need to get somebody a last minute Christmas gift,” she tapped him on the nose with her index finger smiling. However, her stomach turned. She hadn’t lied to him since she sold him a bogus transfer to Anthrax Island.


	5. One Last Secret

Clarice sat in the parked on the street in rental car a few houses down from Ardelia Mapp’s house. It was a nice neighborhood, a giant leap up from their cul-de-sac duplex. This was the making of suburban family dreams. Mapp had pulled her car into the driveway and entered the house five minutes earlier. Clarice sat about five minutes more taking deep breaths, gathering her thoughts; she knew it had to happen soon before Ardelia’s husband came home. She finally got out and walked up to the door and rang the bell.

“Yes?” Mapp opened the door and her eyes squinted as she studied the figure in front of her. She was very familiar but also older looking, she was also a figure Mapp accepted she’d never see again. Her eyes then widen and mouth dropped open.

Clarice would have done the same if she hadn’t seen her friend looking older on “Macabre Murder.” Her voice shook as she spoke, “Do you have a moment for the Ghost of Christmas Past?”

Ardelia yanked Clarice into the house looking both ways before shutting and locking the door.

“What the fuck? What the actual fuck?” She exclaimed. “Are you armed?”

“No.”

“Clarice Starling not armed?”

“I came to visit a friend not cause a scene.”

Ardelia arched an eyebrow.

“I’ll prove it,” Clarice dumped the contents of her purse right in front of her before dropping it on top. She then removed her jacket and held her hands to her side letting Mapp get a good look. She then turned around showing there was no gun tucked in the back either.

“Pick up your stuff,” Ardelia said. “Let me make a phone call.”

She disappeared into the kitchen but Clarice could still hear what she said as she stuffed her stuff back in her purse.

“Ted…just take him somewhere…I don’t know, take him to the mall to see Santa again, I just have some stuff here I need to do by myself…thank you. Love you.”

Ardelia appeared back in the living room, “Join me in the dining room, I just bought us some more time alone together. I’ll make tea.”

*******

The friends sat silent across from each other silent for a few minutes fidgeting with their tea cups.

Mapp was the first to break the silence, “You said you were visiting a friend, does that mean you’re not coming back? So you are still with him?”

“Yes.”

“You know I have every right to arrest you right now for aiding and harboring a fugitive.” 

“But you won’t. You had your chance to turn us in when I sent you the ring and letter, but you didn’t. I waited for the authorities to knock down our door and they never did and that was when I knew, you still loved me as much as I loved you.” Clarice reached across the table and grabbed Mapp’s hand. She flinched for a second but met Starling’s gaze. “I wanted to tell you so much more, I really did, but I knew you wouldn’t understand. So I put it in terms you could understand, my happiness.”

Ardelia broke free from Clarice’s touch, “Your happiness? What about mine? My best friend disappears and nobody has a damn clue. I jumped through hoops to get you declared missing! And then when the scene at that monster’s house was discovered. I didn’t want to believe you had participated. But the reports said there were forks with Krendler’s and your DNA on them! He was an asshole, Clarice but you fucking ate his brain! You say this is happiness but this is Stockholm Syndrome and you know it.”

“Oh please,” Clarice rolled her eyes. “If you believed the words coming out of your mouth you wouldn’t have kept the fucking ring. And the reason I’m here; I saw you on ‘Macabre Murders’ and you lied about on there about my contacting you. And you were careful with your wording to make it sound like he didn’t kidnap me because you knew he didn’t.” 

“So is he here with you?”

“Yes, Hannibal is stateside with me. This was my birthday present; I wanted to see America for the holidays again. I knew it would be risky but he gives me what I desire,” Clarice took a sip of her tea.

“Except stability,” Mapp mumbled into her tea.

“Excuse me?” Clarice sat her mug down. “We have a very lovely life where we are at. We…”

“Oh cut the bullshit, Clarice,” Ardelia snapped. “You’re living on the lam with one of the most notorious serial killers as your lover. Yes you maybe content where you are now but the moment the authorities get wind of where you are don’t think he won’t uproot all of that and move elsewhere.”

“ _We_ you mean,” Clarice responded. “We would uproot it all. That’s what couples who love each other do. I see you’re married, have a son and this nice house here in the DC suburbs. This is your stability, this and your continuing advancing FBI career makes you happy. Or so you say.”

Mapp arched an eyebrow. She sounded just like Lecter.

Starling continued, “And yet you haven’t told me one thing about them. All you’ve done is talk angrily about my disappearance and life as the mistress of that monster.”

Ardelia laughed, “Come on, like my traditional narrative is going to compare to the adventures of Mrs. Hannibal the Cannibal.”

“Look I came here to see my friend. The woman I saw on that TV program who obviously still loves me and I still love her.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Clarice,” Ardelia sighed. “I got married and my best friend wasn’t there to be my maid of honor. Three years later we had our son, Marcus and my best friend wasn’t here to be his Godmother. We’ve made nice career for ourselves, a nice life and yet always in the back of my mind I still wondered about you. I was glad you were alive and happy but I still wondered where you were, what you were doing, what he was doing to you, what he was denying you.”

Clarice took a sip of her tea. She did feel guilty for not being there for Mapp but she did need to defend her choices, “I’m sorry I missed all that I truly am, but please understand, Hannibal’s not denying me anything. He’s actually given me the world. While your career took off mine plateaued and then turned to shit. And nothing I did recovered it because certain people wanted to see me burn. I didn’t have any family like you do. He helped me…”

“But he’s denying you a normal life. You’ll always live looking over your shoulder, using false names. I know you thought about kids in passing at one point…”

“I was never normal and we both knew that,” Starling sat her mug back down. “And we could have had a child…we almost did.” She folded her hands on her lap, “My IUD mislodged, I miscarried at twelve weeks.” 

Mapp wrapped her hands around her mug. She held her tongue, she knew women who had miscarriages and it was tough. Nobody deserved that, even if it prevented Hannibal the Cannibal from breeding. “I’m sorry, Clarice,” she finally spoke.

Clarice studied Ardelia’s face looking for the sincerity behind the words. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Health risks increase when you’re having a child when you’re older and our lifestyle didn’t really have room for a child but we were going to make room for the happy accident. However after everything, Hannibal got a vasectomy after that so we wouldn’t have to worry again.”

Mapp sat her mug down and took Clarice’s hand into hers, “I hope you’re not just saying that because of him. Because seriously you sound more and more like a Stockholm Syndrome victim.”

“That’s because you won’t let me finish talking!” Clarice pulled away and stood. “I try to share, to tell you about Hannibal the man, the man I got to know while working the Buffalo Bill case and beyond, the man I came to love, the man who helped me get over my psychological problems, the man who was worth leaving my broken life and starting fresh with, but you don’t want to hear my reasoning! You just like everyone else wants to put me in the role of victim! It’s easier for everyone at the FBI to sleep at night to think he brainwashed me, to call it Stockholm Syndrome. I’m always the victim, never a woman who made her own choice.”

Ardelia sat mute for a minute taking it all in. She then sighed and looked up at her friend, tears in her eyes, “Clarice, I don’t know what to do here. All I ever wanted was for us both to be happy but I can’t understand your happiness. Yes, you see multiple sides of Hannibal but have you lost touch that he once murdered and ate parts of people? Maybe you saw me on that program and thought you could walk back in here like nothing had changed. Just pick back up like old times. You could be my fugitive email buddy, but it doesn’t work that way. You’re not coming back for a normal life and I don’t have the heart to arrest you. I’ll always love you Clarice, you’ll always have a special place in my heart and the past but we couldn’t be more different now.”

Mapp got up and walked to the front door and unlocked it. Clarice took that as her sign to put her coat back on. She draped her purse over her shoulder as she and Ardelia stood face to face.

“Look, Ardelia I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry I up and left without telling you. And I’m sorry I showed up here unannounced thinking you would just understand and act like nothing happened.”

“And I’m guessing this will be one last secret between old friends? Ardelia asked a sad smile on her mouth.

“If you please?” Clarice asked tears in her eyes.

“One last secret,” Ardelia leaned in giving her old friend a hug.

*******

As soon as the heavy door clicked shut behind her Clarice leaned up against it and sighed. She’d cried in the car but she was still a wreck and at the slightest pushing would cry again. She looked over and Hannibal was leaning up against the headboard watching “Jeopardy!” rustled editions of today’s _New York Times, Washington Post_ and _Wall Street Journal_ lay beside him.

He looked over at her and smiled, “Come Clarice, these idiots are about to blow final "Jeopardy!" It’s going to be delightful.” 

She continued to study him. _How did he spend eight years in that cell? His brilliant mind demands simulation. Here he is in a hotel room one evening and newspapers and "Jeopardy!" have barely tided him over._

She hung her coat and purse up before walking over and pushing the newspapers to the floor. She curled herself up tight against his body, resting her head against his chest. He wrapped his arm around her, softly caressing her curves as he laughed as answers and wagers were revealed. 

He chuckled deeply as one person went negative with their wager. He then looked down at Clarice and took a deep breath catching a different perfume while noticing how red her eyes were. He only decided to comment on one of them, “Were you considering new perfumes while getting someone a Christmas gift? If so please take me with you next time, Clarice.” 

“New perfumes?” she looked up at him confused. Her eyes then widen. _Ardelia!_

“Yes, whichever one you tried on today is doing nothing for you. Besides this time of year is not the time to be trying new perfumes, especially at the mall. Last minute Christmas shoppers grabbing a gift package of their wife’s favorite or being talked into something by the cute shop girl that will not work with their wife’s body chemistry. Dreadful really. However if you got yourself a new lipstick that would be perfectly acceptable for tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night?” 

“Yes your birthday. I have plans for us.”

Clarice sat up and looked at him, “Hannibal, no. We agreed this trip was my birthday and Christmas present.”

“I figured this into the trip. Besides this trip is also marking the anniversary of our fateful meeting at Muskrat Farm and if you think I’m going to let that go unmarked…” he trailed off, took her chin into his hand and kissed her.


	6. Girls In Pretty Dresses

Clarice looked at her reflection in the mirror in front of the coffee pot as she opened her tube of mascara. As she raised the wand to her eyelashes there was a knock at their room door. She sighed and shoved it back in the tube. _At least it was before I started,_ she thought as she adjusted her bath robe before heading to the door. She looked through the peep hole and there was a bellhop holding a garment bag. _I thought Hannibal brought his suit._

“Good evening,” she opened the door.

“I have a delivery for a Mrs. Charlotte Muller. If I could get you to sign for it please,” the bellhop handed Clarice a clipboard with a delivery ticket and pen attached.

She read over the ticket carefully noting it had been sent over from Dior. She sighed heavily as she signed her alias then dug in her purse for a generous tip for the bellhop. Clarice locked the door once closed, laid the garment bag on the bed and then stormed into the bathroom, pulling back the shower curtain just slightly to see The Doctor rinsing off his body. She did not care that the steam might mess up her foundation.

“Hannibal, what the Hell?” she exclaimed. “The dress I brought with us is perfectly fine.”

He ran his fingers through his hair as he smiled at her, “Happy Birthday, Clarice. I want you in that dress by the time I’m done in here.”

*******

Dinner at a four star restaurant was to be expected from Dr. Hannibal Lecter when he could not cook himself. Pulling their rental car up to Constitutional Hall was a bit more unexpected. Hannibal got out and handed the keys to the valet before walking over and opening Clarice’s car door. The bottom of a pink evening gown peaked out from her black coat as she linked her arms with Dr. Lecter’s. 

She smiled large as they walked in sync, “The Russian Ballet’s 'The Nutcracker.' I can’t believe you would see 'The Nutcracker.' It seems like the kind of ballet you would deem overrated and overdone.”

“You are not wrong, however you have never seen it, it is Christmas time and The Russian Ballet is wonderful. And would it be us without at least one night of culture?” 

Clarice laughed lightly as she rested her head on his shoulder. As she looked around she could not help but notice that yes there were other couples and groups of friends, but there were mostly families with school age children. As they got to one of the coat checks inside, Claire couldn’t help but notice how proper and prim the girls look out of their coats in their holiday dresses. They also seemed excited to be seeing the ballet. Maybe they were taking ballet themselves and this was their first time seeing a real professional production.

She thought of Ardelia at home with her husband and son probably watching a holiday special of some sort. She studied the girls walking with their parents and placed her hands on her stomach; their child would have been five. _Would she have taken ballet? Hannibal would already have her studying music. I would have taught her Spanish and she would be fluent in that and English in no time._

“Charlotte, your coat.”

Clarice shook her head clearing it of thoughts. She quickly unbuttoned it and Hannibal slid it off her shoulders and arms. Hannibal handed their jackets to the coat check, then took Clarice’s hand and lead her through the sea of people towards their seats. Some of the teenage girls turned and looked at her observing her dress, then her date before whispering to each other. She smiled at them noting that when she was their age she too would have noticed the woman in the designer dress with the “sugar daddy.”

“I should have known you would get us box seats,” Clarice smoothed her dress upon sitting down.

“Of course,” The Doctor unbuttoned his suit jacket as he sat. “'The Nutcracker' is also a family event. Children are notorious for getting fidgety at performances…”

“Like you were the perfect child,” Clarice scoffed. She crossed her legs and picked her program up off the balcony railing. 

“Did I hit a nerve, Miss I Once Stole a Horse?”

“No, I was poor West Virginia trash remember? I didn’t get to attend such fine events as a kid. If I did you could have I bet I would have stayed upright and still in my chair the whole time. Besides those little girls in their dresses look delightful.”

_I would have taught her how to ride horses. You would have spoiled her rotten, your real chance to make up for Mischa. You would have bought her beautiful dresses just like mine, just like the ones these girls are wearing. We would have read her a bedtime story together every night. We would have argued over discipline methods being of different generations and countries._ She aimlessly flipped through the program, lost her in thoughts.

“Clarice,” Dr. Lecter pushed her hair over one of her shoulders. 

She startled.

“You are a thousand miles away right now,” he started to massage her shoulders and neck. “And you are so tense. A vacation isn’t supposed to do this to you.” He moved his hands to her temples and caressed them, “Focus on the show about to start, Clarice. Enjoy its beauty. Enjoy being in the moment.”

Clarice sighed; it wasn’t until The Doctor started using his tricks that she realized she was stressing herself out. _Yes, focus on the show._


	7. Stay In The Present

Walking back to their hotel room, Hannibal continued to make a study of Clarice. _She enjoyed the performance but she’s still somber. What is she doing? This is not like her._ He closed and locked their room door behind him and they both took off their coats in silence. However before Clarice had the chance to walk away he pinned her to the wall across from the closet door.

He kept his arms on both side of her; his hands spread again the wall. His maroon eyes pierced hers, “What aren’t you telling me, Clarice?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything, Hannibal.”

“You’re right, you don’t. But we’ve built a relationship on trust; on being frank with each other from that first time you stood in front of my cell and told me what Miggs hissed at you. Why would you want to keep secrets now, Clarice? Right at the same time you start running what if scenarios?” 

Clarice closed her eyes and turned her head away from him. 

“Where did you really go last night? You’re terrible at lying to me.”

“I went and visited Ardelia,” Clarice said softly. “I wanted to see her. She was the only good thing I left behind and I felt I owed her a better explanation than what I sent with the ring.”

“But she didn’t want an explanation did she? Your presence vexed her, challenged her morals. She was fine when it was nebulous, when she knew you were alive out there somewhere. But to actually face down the new Clarice Starling, the woman whose morals no longer lined up with hers was too much. Tell me, how many times did she call me a monster? Remind you of all the people I killed? Accuse me of brain washing you, of raping you?” 

Tears streamed down Clarice’s cheeks. She turned to face Hannibal, “She wouldn’t listen! She was my best friend! I wanted her to understand why I did it, to least understand what I see when I look at you! All that you’ve done for me! I wanted to hear about her life; her career, her family but all she could say was she was boring compared to me and that I had hurt her by running away.”

Dr. Lecter noted Clarice bent her knees. She was draining herself physically as she lightened her emotional load. He pushed her further and leaned into her ear, “And you weren’t there, Clarice. You chose me over her. You did the most stereotypical female thing ever and chose romantic love over female friendship. You threw your life away for me, Clarice; your career, your best friend, the only place you ever called home. You said fuck it for a mad man old enough to be your daddy. And speaking of your daddy, that man had his remains exhumed for your therapy and yet you fell in love with that man. You left your friend for that man, missing her wedding, missing the birth of her child.”

“What about me, what about our child?” Clarice exclaimed standing back up straight. 

_There is it!_

“Is it so much to want your best friend to understand or at least not judge? I told her I miscarried. She said she was sorry but I could tell she didn’t really mean it. There was a relief in her eyes, a relief that you didn’t reproduce.”

Hannibal instantly scooped Clarice into his arms and held her tight. She sobbed into his chest. After a couple of minutes, she lifted her head and looked up at him, “I know we didn’t want children but…”

“It happened,” Hannibal wiped her cheeks with his thumb. “The birth control failed, you were pregnant. We decided to keep it. We started to plan for her and then she died.” He took her chin into his hand, “Why did you tell Ardelia that? Were you trying to prove that we too could present the illusion of normal with a family? But in her eyes we couldn’t. Miscarriages are common especially at three months and under like yours but Ardelia didn’t see it that way. You said you saw relief in her face at the fact that I, the monster, didn’t get to breed, but maybe it was more than that. Maybe she also saw it as punishment. You, Clarice Starling, with your gray morals, living with and fucking Hannibal the Cannibal of your own free will, you’re not worthy of motherhood and that miscarriage proved it.” 

“Stop! Stop it!” She broke free of his embrace and sat on the edge of the bed. His words cut to the bone, but that was only because they were true. She put her face in her hands and took a couple of deep breaths.

He turned to face her, his voice softer, “Clarice, this whole trip, what was it about really? Visiting John and Jack’s graves, seeing Ardelia, doing all of this without telling me because you knew I’d object. This isn’t like you to go back and dig up what you’ve already mourned, including our baby. Shall we go dance on Krendler’s grave while we’re at it?”

Clarice snorted into hands before looking up at him. There was a slight smile on her face. 

Dr. Lecter sat down next to her on the bed, “So then the trip? I didn’t question it when you said you wanted it. But I am now since it has proved nothing but unhealthy for you. What was its purpose? The tea cup is still broken, Clarice. I wanted it to come back together, you wanted to come back to move the shards around thinking it could change things.”

“It’s not just that,” she said as she took his hands into hers. “I worry about who I will be when you’re gone. And I thought, maybe I could return here…to something old…but I can’t return here. This isn’t who I am anymore. There is nothing here for me, what ifs started creeping in and that’s no way to live.”

Hannibal was taken aback, “Ten years later and you’re still surprising me, Clarice. I didn’t see this layer coming.” He pulled one of his hands from hers and wrapped his arm around her. “But you’re right, there is no returning. And I know the reality that I’m older than you but I focus on the now, our time together. I know when I’m gone you will find a way to continue to live a wonderful life. We have plenty of friends and connections at home to keep you entertained. There will be gentlemen, age appropriate gentlemen, lined up at your door to fill my place. And I’m sure you’ve noticed I have managed our funds in a way so you will not have to worry about income. I also know you will keep my memory alive in your Memory Palace. And I better damn well have the grandest rooms you can construct.”

Clarice giggled resting her head on his shoulder, “I love you, Hannibal Lecter, sordid past and all.”

“And I love you, but enough of that,” The Doctor stood and pulled Clarice to her feet. “Let us live in the moment!” He pulled her into his arms and led her around the furniture in a two-step. “It’s still your birthday.”

“Forty-three has had more than enough celebrating,” Clarice said following his lead.

“I disagree,” He lead her back to the foot of the bed and spun her around.

He pinched the zipper on her dress, “Let’s see what this beautiful dress looks like bunched on the floor.” He slowly pulled it down the teeth parting revealing the pale skin of Clarice’s back.

She held her breath and bit her lip listening to till the zipper stopped at her waist. Hannibal’s hands were on her shoulders and they pushed her dress' sheer straps down her arms and through her hands. The pink fabric floated gracefully to the floor and then puffed up around her black pumps.

Dr. Lecter stepped on the dress still in his shoes, as he pulled Clarice’s back up against his body. He ran one hand across her breasts and the other across her collarbone and throat. “I’d say that dress looks beautiful on the floor,” He ran one hand down her stomach and into her black mesh panties. He pushed his middle finger between her folds and caressed her clit. He kissed her shoulders and neck, one hand caressing her breasts, the other caressing her clit faster and faster feeling her wetness build. Clarice closed her eyes and moaned letting the pleasure between her legs take her over. Hearing her ragged breathing, Hannibal removed his hand from her panties and pushed them to the floor on top of the dress.

Clarice stepped out of her panties and shoes before turning to face him. She kissed him passionately as she helped him discard the pieces of his suit to the floor. She wrapped her hand around his semi-hard cock stroking it into a full erection. “Dirty Old Man,” She stood on tip toe to whisper in his ear. “It still doesn’t take much to get you hard.”

Hannibal ran his hands down and groped her ass, “Erectile dysfunction doesn’t happen to all old men. And have you look at and touched your body lately?” He grabbed her waist and placed her on the bed. He then kicked all their clothing aside.

She laughed and then cried out as he grabbed her ankles and pulled her to the edge. He kept he grip on her ankles spreading her legs further as he walked up in between them. 

“And now my little Starling, I’m going to give you a good fucking to remind you of what you reminded so many times to do, stay in the present.” Hannibal pushed himself into Clarice forcefully. She arched her back and grabbed the comforter in both hands in response. He didn’t pause like usual, he started thrusting instantly. And he didn’t build gradually, he started hard and fast. 

Already amply stimulated, this approach drove Clarice mad. He was going to bring her to orgasm again faster than she expected. “Hannibal please…” She whimpered making eye contact with him, placing one of her hands on her throat. 

“No,” he growled grabbing her hand away. “Not yet. And don’t you dare hold your breath!” He covered her hands with his, holding her down onto the bed. Dr. Lecter brought himself close to the edge of relief before pulling himself back. He listened to Clarice whimper and moan loud, justifying his never wanting to travel as father and daughter. He lifted both of his hands off of hers; he’d never used both hands before. He leaned over and panted in her ear, “I’m going to use both you know how to stop it.”

She smiled large, nodded her head and took a deep breath. He placed his hands on her throat circling and covering it completely. He squeezed lightly and his whole body shivered, it felt so good, it had been so long since he had had both his hands around someone’s throat. _Should I be doing this? Didn’t I just discuss living in the now? But this is the now, Clarice wants this._ White noise filled Clarice’s mind and it was beautiful as her muscles tighten in prep for release. He was squeezing lightly but with both hands it was more intense. She arched her back, frantically grabbed at the comforter and kicked her legs in the air. Hannibal groaned as he thrust hard into her; she was fighting like a real victim. _It is her birthday and here she is giving me a gift._

Clarice closed her eyes, her orgasm pulsed between her legs before waves of release traveled up her body. She tried to gasp for air and when she did Hannibal squeezed tighter. She opened her eyes slightly surprised and met his glance. Clarice didn’t touch his wrist just yet, their safe signal, there was still a rush through her body and she could see the pure pleasure engulfing Hannibal’s face; he loved using two hands. She could see stars. _A few seconds more, a few seconds more._ He groaned loud as he came inside her. Panting hard he removed his hands and dick from her before collapsing down on the bed next to her.

Clarice gasped for breath over and over and after several minutes her chest rose and fell to a normal rhythm. She smiled large as she turned and laid on her stomach to look at The Doctor, “You were right, Hannibal Lecter, I needed a good fucking.”

“What you really needed to be was honest with yourself and me. The fucking was just the reward, the physical release,” he ran his fingers through her hair, his breathing still slightly labored.

“That’s not what you said, you said it was a reminder to stay in the present,” She traced shapes on his chest with her index finger. 

The Doctor smirked at her. 

“So two hands, huh?” Clarice asked laying her head down on the bed. “Using two hands brought you more pleasure. Why have you never asked to use both before, Hannibal?”

“One is sufficient for erotic asphyxiation,” He pulled himself up further onto the bed so his head was on the pillows.

“I didn’t ask what was sufficient,” Clarice crawled up and joined his side. She rested her chin on his chest. “I noticed two brought you more pleasure. If you ever want to use two again, just let me know.”

“I was scared of using two, it felt amazing but it also felt like a step back; like I was strangling a victim. You even kicked like one.” Hannibal sighed, “And I don’t want to go back to that.”

“But it’s not going back if you’re doing it to me and I’m giving you permission,” She sat up and leaned over him. “It’s living in the now. It’s enjoying my time with you.” She kissed him passionately.

*******

Clarice woke up in the middle of the night and made her way to the bathroom to empty her bladder. Instead of crawling back into bed she made her way over to the window. She pushed the curtains back and leaned up against the glass taking in the view. _Arlington, Virgina I'll never see you again and that's okay. You'll never be home again._ She turned around when she heard rustling coming from the bed.

"Please don't tell me the lambs have returned as well," Hannibal mumbled. 

"No, no. Just thinking about how here will never be home again and how I can't wait for us to get back home," Clarice returned to the bed, the curtains falling back into place behind her.

"Good, good," Hannibal rolled over. "I am too tired to deal with lambs."

Clarice smiled as she crawled back into bed and situated herself under the covers. She felt one of Hannibal's arms around her and his lips on her ear, "Don't worry we'll be in our own bed for Christmas."

"I like the sound of that, even if it means checking out early and rearranging plane tickets." 

Clarice listened as Hannibal's breathing rhythm slow as he drifted back to sleep before allowing herself to slip back to sleep once again happy in the present.


End file.
